KGFC warm up consisting of Iain attempting to touch his toes, Adz licking goal posts and Manager John looking like ET!

Hachioji Koen isn’t the pleasantest of places at the best of times with it’s draconian rules and electric meter controlled floodlighting but when it’s zero degrees,” feels like -3” according to my weather app, and the wind is howling it becomes even less so. This was compounded by the fact that only a few hours before kick-off devil-bearded goalkeeper Elbow had mailed John to let him know he couldn’t play due to a “family function” he had forgotten about. Whether this meant he had forgotten he had children, had discovered he had even more or had just remembered who he actually was is still unclear. John asked James to use his vast network of soccer contacts to get an emergency keeper but this was a fruitless request as Bates spent the next 2 hours trying to find the “family” function on his iPhone. Without the stocky resilience of Tomoki to deputise, the gloves were given to Sean to tend nets and the team lined up thus:

 GK – Sean “Razzle Dazzle” Carrol
RB – Adz “Sub-Zer0” McCann
CB – John “Quadrophenian” McGowan
CB – James “bumpkin” Bates
LB – Iain “one lung” Naughton
RM – Katsu “don” Miyagishi
CM – C.S. “Rob” Lowry
DM – Fernando “****ing ‘ell guys” Bermudez
CM – Shuji “dependable” Miyagishi
LM – Ben “ramen ashi” Steinson
CF – Colin “where babies come from” Cameron
Subs: Takeshi “carded” Koketsu, Alex “dodgy digit” Zupsic

Nice brown gloves Steino!

Yes that’s right folks, James Bates at CB. The team was more than little light on defenders this week and Alex had turned up in spite of a broken finger which he had bothered to tape up yet. GUTS’ coach had said they too had a weakened team but during the warm-up they seemed to knock the ball about quite nicely. Further disheartened by the news that “snoods” were not allowed , both teams lined up resplendent in some kind of NASA built heat-tech clothing (except McCann whose warm-up consisted of licking the goalposts and beating himself with a birch branch) the teams kicked off.

Much like in their cup game the George started off the quicker, moving the ball around well in the midfield area with Fernando switching play whenever he could. GUTS too were proving to be quite nimble in the middle of the park and were finding time on the ball but were unable to get the ball into the danger area. Time and again they tried to push the ball to their left where their “in-the-hole” forward was drifting but after a few strong tackles by Adz and some timely interceptions from Rob their forward seemed content to just pass the ball backwards and stay where he was. The George were attacking down both flanks with both full-backs overlapping and a foraging run by Iain led to a good chance for Katsu as he received the ball from Colin but shot over on the turn. GUTS too had a chance as some miscommunication in defence, how uncharacteristic I agree, led to the GUTS forward having only the keeper to beat but he somehow looped his shot wide. For once heeding the warning signs George decided to play simple football, from Bates in defence to Shuji who played a 1- 2 with Rob, then another before Rob sprayed the ball wide right to Katsu who did what he does best, minus the strippers, skinned the full-back and played a low cross into the box that Colin caressed into the net like a sensual, shaven-headed Scotch baker putting some kind of genetic bun in a wife- shaped oven.

1-0 and not too much else happened of note with the GUTS players attempting to win free-kicks near the box by going down quicker than an Italian cruise and McCann seemingly defying the laws of thermodynamics and actually playing better the colder it got.

Buoyed by the solid midfield work of the central three and perhaps placated by the announcement of Ian Paisley’s retirement the half-time talk by John contained 50% less expletives and 100% less death threats than last time. This seemed to encourage to the team as they began the second half the same as the first, spreading the ball out to both flanks quickly and stretching the opposition midfield. GUTS had moved their skilful playmaker out onto their left but he remained mostly subdued as he had little or no support. After some neat 2-touch play in midfield Katsu was sent scampering through at warp-factor whoosh and gave the GUTS keeper the eyes, the eyes that many a fair almost-wench has fallen for, and dispatched the ball to the right as the keeper went left.

Zupsic defying the Doctors orders and playing with a broken thumb.

Feeling a little more at ease subs were made and Fernando moved to CB to let Bates try his hand in midfield. GUTS were affording the King George central 3 far too much time, Bates playing some fine long passes out to the flanks. Steinson took a bit of a knock on the ankle from a clumsy challenge and had to go off for a while, Takeshi entering the fray. Soon once again Katsu was released by Bates and he skipped past the last defender, was round the keeper and… Well almost round the keeper, a cynical challenge and a booking for the keeper, penalty for the George. Up stepped Katsu and KAPOW! He side-footed it so far into the top-right corner that at the re-spot the ball was wearing a dunces cap. 3-0.

At this point GUTS’ defence seemed to all jump in a De Lorean and zip back to their performances of 2 years ago as they became positively porous at the back, so much so that I could’ve sworn Spongebob Squarepants was playing sweeper. Each King George attack seemed to herald a goal and only some fine goalkeeping and some desperate goal line clearances kept the score down. Alex stood rock firm at LB as Adz went off with cramp and just after Katsu played in a great ball from the left, Takeshi slid in 8-yards out but, like John, it sadly ended up over the bar.

All in all it was a strange match, GUTS were by no means a push over but they just didn’t seem to create any chances. If they can add some steel to their creative midfield play I’m sure they will cause even more problems for the rest of the league. Good midfield play, tight defending, at times, hard- work from Colin and as always an all-action performance from Katsu. A special mention to Sean in goal who although he didn’t have too much to do, marshalled the defence well and was off his line quickly when needed.

Sorry? What?

Perfect technique for the perfect goal!

Oh yes, James did score. Missed cross from the left, top-right of 18yd box, outside of right boot, top- left. You didn’t miss anything to be honest. Fluke.

Adz “Sub-Zer0” McCann